I started doing crossword puzzles in 2006 when I was in Texas. I could barely sit still, I was so upset and anxious. I felt trapped in a place and couldn't figure out how to get out. when i get like that, my mind races and i become immobile. i will lie in my bed and stare at a blank wall until i fall asleep. here, now as i write there is no music. no sound but the fan which runs always and the 91 freeway.

I just got back from Mendocino Thursday. i slept all day Friday, worked yesterday and worked today. tonight is Halloween. everyone is going somewhere it seems except me and my tribe. it depresses me that we don't go out, but no one wants to go anywhere.

Austin, Ryan, and Danielle played airsoft today with friends in Brea. They were gone most of the day. Paige met them back here, and now Austin, Ryan, and Paige are all sleeping and Danielle is playing Nazi Zombies. I guess they're tired.

I wanted to go grocery shopping today, but i'm tired.

first day of my last week

i'm tired. i have nothing left to give. my children are making me eat. i'm fired from my job, but my last day isn't until this friday. they took away my email, so my hands are tied to the chair while i try to train a drug-addicted woman to replace me.

today she brought in knitting; a scarf she'd started. she let me "play with it," and i spent 6 hours knitting while answering her questions. i said, 'you brought this in for me, didn't you? you saw me programming Micah's Blackberry on Friday and you saw how calm I was.' she said, 'well you said you'd done it as a child and i know i'd go crazy if i just sat there all day.'

there were about 2" of knitting on the needles when i began, and by tonight there was about 10" of a scarf.

my hands are sore from knitting.

she suggested i buy my own needles tonight and some yarn and i could knit my own scarf tomorrow.

she understood my frantic need to do something with my hands even when i didn't.

what is that? ADHD? why do i calm down when my hands and mind are occupied?